Shut In

I had a few "cool" topics to write about. Obviously I didn't. I haven't blogged in a while.

I cried for the first time today since the shelter at home started. I broke something inconsequential, but that was enough to open the floodgates. Just sat in the office I share with my daughter and sobbed. No question that I needed it, but I still feel silly crying over a cheap pot.

The four of us at home is getting to be rough. Fortunately the 17 year old does his own thing. We moved his desk and desktop computer upstairs since on line supplemental education starts tomorrow. We didn't want him having to share the downstairs office with his sister. She has started her PCC class. Economics. I have come to terms with her taking only one class. She is dealing with things no 20 year old, heck no one of any age, should have to deal with.

I am now sharing the office with her. I must say, she is keeping her desk much tidier now that I am in there. We even put some of my succulents on the windowsill. Eventually I want to put some sort of picture above my desk. I think I still have some old cross stitch projects that I framed. Maybe I'll use those.

Chris works from home now. His desk is in the family room. It is pretty hard on him. And it is frustrating for him to try to work and have meetings when the kids and I are wandering around.

I feel like a jerk complaining, though. Staying at home is a small price to pay to stop the spread of covid-19. And my husband still has a job, which just isn't happening for so so many people.

But at the same time, I know my feelings are valid. And writing about them will help me deal with them. To accept them is a step to finding ways to adjust and find healthy ways to cope with the stress.

How are you all coping?

Well, gosh

So much is going on. I had some decent ideas for blog topics, but right now my mind is busy. Some people in the US seem to think that Covid-19 isn't really that big of a deal. But it is. Oh my friends, it is. Just because it seems like it hasn't touched our country as much as others doesn't mean it won't. The US is huge. We have states bigger than European countries. So it may take longer to spread, but spread it will. Do what you can to lessen the impact.

So during this period of self isolation we have several choices. Panic, which won't help anyone. Ignore it, which won't help anyone. Acknowledge and follow health professionals recommendations, which will help everyone.

And stop buying obscene amounts of toilet paper if you don't need to. Fucking hoarders taking advantage of people. Fucking hoarders leaving nothing for people who need it.

I am going to try and post more positive stuff from now on. Well, sort of positive. Plants and mental illness for example. And maybe take this time to blog more. Stay safe, stay strong.

Thank Goodness For Plants

This family is having some health issues these days. And we need to fix what we can and deal with what we can't. So far we have -

• Ash may have a condition called postural orthostatic tachycardia syndrome. POTS for short. It is a nerve condition that mimics an auto-immune disease. Basically her body hates her. Change in diet and strict routines will be the norm.
• Chris is pre-diabetic. Total change of diet completely different from Ash's and exercise more than (hopefully) three times a week.
• I had a slight breast cancer worry. Fortunately I got the all clear, so that is one less concern. Woo hoo!
• Michael is fine! So we go with a party on that one.

A friend asked how I cope with it. Well, I've been buying a lot of succulents. Kind of running out of room. But that is partially due to Chris buying a lot of houseplants. Because he needs a good way to deal with stress as well. Better plants than junk food and Amazon shopping. Confession - we still enjoy occasional junk food. Also the Amazon cart is full of plant care stuff.  But at least plants are relaxing and something to nurture that doesn't excel at sarcasm (we only have ourselves to blame for that).

Some good things thought. We got a new stove and it is awesome and not broken like the last one. Also the furnace is 100% fixed. But the best news is that our bonus room is almost finished! Drywall is going up today. To be cliche, we can see the light at the end of the tunnel.

So that is what is going on. I'm trying to focus on new things that will keep me sane and help keep everyone else in the house sane. I hope it works.

Crazy Pants

It has been a while since I posted, but life and stuff. You get it. So far we have dealt with a broken furnace, leaking sink, and cracked stove. Needless to say it is a constant party around here. But behold my triumphant return.

Lately I've been all, oh crap the mental health is taking a downturn. What the heck? The medication was working. I am resolving anxiety issues. So what the frick is going on? Oh my friends. A discovery. A great revelation. Knowledge beyond knowledge.

The menopause has arrived a little early. Well kind of early. 45 is on the low end, but definitely within the age range. And saying nope doesn't stop it. But I think we can agree that it should. Nope nope nope. Damn. Cardigans have become my friends. Easy to take off when having a hot flash, easy to put back on when freezing. Usually within a few minutes of each other.

Fun fact - many of the symptoms of menopause are exactly like the symptoms of my mental illness.  So on top of managing the regular crazy pants, I get additional crazy pants that bipolar medication can't control. And adding in any new medication means changes to my current medications.  There is no way I am doing that. It took years to find the right combination of drugs.

I am obviously doing research on non medication ways to handle it. No "natural" remedies. That would interact with my happy pills as well. So diet, exercise, silent suffering. Who am I kidding? Totally vocal suffering.

Side note, my daughter told me she was moving out the moment I started menopause. But when I told her, she laughed. She lied and is never moving out. On the bright side she told me that, thanks to her estrogen, she is experiencing the symptoms of menstruation. Including cramps. And I laughed.

Anyone else going through this right now? Misery loves company.

Pinterest Moms

(Disclaimer, if any of these things apply to you, know that I am not dissing them. Just sharing my observations and how they do or don't always apply to my life.)

Pinterest. It is a love/hate relationship. So many good ideas, so many opportunities to make a person feel inferior. So many things that make you go what the heck. I enjoy Pinterest over all. Knitting patterns, random things that make me happy. The fun stuff. But then there is the Pinterest Mom. I made the fatal mistake of looking up stay at home mom stuff. Holy crap. And now my feed is full of this... this... damn, this ain't me stuff.

Here is the Pinterest Mom based on what I see. She is -

• A Christian woman who knows her place is in the home.
• Spends at least 10 minutes every morning reading her bible before waking up the kids and making them a large healthy breakfast.
• Only have small/young children. (I'm not sure what happens to these women when their children grow up. They seem to disappear. This has me a little worried.)
• Home schooling or private schooling.
• Works from home. Usually as a blogger. Main themes are mommy blog or healthy eating blog. Often the two are combined.
• Either stays in shape by doing yoga or embraces whatever weight they are. No in between. 
• Are always fighting the stay at home mom frump. 

What kind of mom I am -

• Atheist liberal feminist stay at home mom. Staying home with the kids worked for us. But it doesn't work for everyone. And there is nothing the fuck wrong with that. 
• Going back to the atheist thing, I don't read the bible. I do try to meditate in the mornings. It is pretty much the only time my mind is quiet. My kids get themselves up and make their own breakfast. They have done that for years. I'm not saying I never made them breakfast, but there is this magical thing called cereal and this miraculous item called a toaster.
• My kids are older. The oldest is a few weeks away from 20 and the youngest is 17. You don't hear much about moms with older kids. That is when the work from home articles really kick in.
• We went with public school. If some other type of schooling works better for you then definitely do that. But public school is not the devil. Some teachers probably are, but you get that no matter where you go to school.  
• I don't work from home. In this case, I'm cool with working from home. Extra income is a good thing. Go you! But please please please be chill about it.
• Overall no problem with the staying in shape or embracing wherever you are body-wise. I'd just like to see some balance. It also seems like the two groups are always bashing each other. That isn't cool.
• Okay, the stay at home mom frump. Tricky issue. I love looking at capsule wardrobes. I like looking put together. Some days I even wear makeup! But it is forced down our throats. How dare we look like we just rolled out of bed? How can you have any dignity wearing pajamas while dropping your kids off at school? The shame you must feel wearing workout clothes when not working out! Dude. I know these people writing this stuff aren't a reflection of real life, but do they know that? Do you want to look fancy? Go for it. Are you happy in leggings and a sweatshirt? Awesome. Jammy day every day? Hell yes.

Are there any other non stereotypical moms out there? Any stay at home moms who would be shunned by the godly women who firmly believe the husband is head of the household and has the final say on everything? I know there are. Somewhere. Just not on Pinterest.

Awkwardly Back

10 or so years ago, I had a blog. It was called Shallow Coffee. And look, a new blog called Shallow Coffee! I had a few followers and just in case they find me again I will give an update on myself. A lot has changed in 10 years. I mean a freaking lot.  Don't worry some things have remained the same. Still married. Still a mom of 2. Still have a shiny happy mental illness. Take comfort in the familiar.

My youngest is now a junior in High School. I'm not sure when he magically became a 17 year old young man, but I think it was probably when I wasn't looking. I'm pretty sure he will be focusing on computer programming when he gets to college. But he could surprise us. Oh my gosh, he has to start thinking about college. That doesn't seem possible.

My oldest will be 20 this month. She came out as transgender about a year and a half ago. It has been interesting having a daughter. She has never been happier, and that is all I want for her. And also for her to go back to school full time instead of part time. (Hi, honey! I know you are reading this and it comes as no surprise. But you do you.) She has given me permission to blog about my roller coaster of feelings when she came out. I told her she could guest post if she wants. We brainstormed topics. So far we the best topic we have come up with is "WTF is wrong with people".

Still married to Chris. The man, the myth, the puts up with me legend. He works hard for the family and he finally broke me and now I like classic Doctor Who. I can't imagine being without him. He is stuck with me, but he doesn't seem to mind.

As for me personally, well there have been the usual ups and downs. New discoveries about myself. Yay, blog topics ahoy! The biggest change is that I am middle age and no longer give a shit about what most people think about me. It is pretty freeing. I'm giving myself permission to get rid of any outside negativity in my life. Uh, still working on getting rid of internal negativity. It's a life long process.

So there you go, Shallow Coffee. A blog about my random feelings and my random life.